In this section of Zami A New Spelling of My Name, we see Lorde go through a lot of painful, even traumatic events. From the tumultuous relationship she experiences with Gennie, to moving out of her parents’ home at 17, to the abortion, she has this section seems to be a period of hardships for her. However, never does Lorde talk about this period as if she is drowning in sorrow; she carries on as she always has. She appears to take these hardships as places to not wallow in, but to continue living and searching for those erotic yeses. In that way I believe that pain is not only a universal experience, but a necessary one. These experiences that Lorde has experienced did bring her pain and sorrow at the time, but they are all experiences in human life, regardless of emotions involved, that can be learned from.
Starting with Lorde’s relationship with Gennie as that seems to be the catalyst for this section. Lorde describes her as the “first person in my life that I was ever conscious of loving. She was my first true friend” (87). The two girls live and love each other as fully as they can. It is an innocent relationship that is derailed by Gennie’s home life and mental health. Lorde does her best to help Gennie, but ultimately Gennie’s decision to commit suicide comes to fruition. The depth of their intimacy is expressed throughout this entire section of narrative, but it can be perfectly summed up in Lorde’s thoughts as Gennie is in the hospital, “Gennie Gennie Gennie I never saw you asleep before. You look just like you awake except for your eyes are closed. Your brows still bend in the middle like you frowning” (99). Before that she thinks of all the things she and Gennie never did, and now never would. One of those things was to “let our bodies touch and tell the passions that we felt” (97). Lorde clearly loved Gennie and that love was felt even more so with the pain of Gennie’s death. With Gennie’s death Lorde feels even more isolated in her parents’ home which leads to her moving out after graduation.
When Lorde moves out she finds the solitude she was craving from her parents’ home, however she quickly finds out that being on your own is not as easy as she thought. She struggles to pay her rent, that struggle is exasperated when she becomes pregnant. She decides to have an abortion, and here is where pain reappears. Only this time it is physical pain rather than emotional pain. As the cramps begin she states that, “I dared myself to feel any regrets” (111). This quote as well as the remainder of the section shows Lorde working through those cramps, even attempting to go to work. She spends a long time in this physical pain, but it does not slow her down.
What is the most intriguing kernel of this is Lorde’s near nonchalance about her pain. She does not describe her hopelessness about her prospects, instead she narrates these traumatic experiences as if it was any other topic. I have to think that perhaps at the time, she felt more despair. Inserting my perspective into her narrative, I believe that I would feel deep despair. As Lorde argues that anger is a useful human emotion, then I would argue that pain is too. Pain, or being in a low place, can allow us to grow. Knowing that even at your lowest, you can always get back up to those erotic joys. There is the saying that it is in the valleys that we grow so in that way I believe that Lorde’s pain here will be a seed for later growth.
- How do you see the function of pain not only in this novel, but also in everyday life? Can pain be a good thing? Something that makes us human?
- Which do you believe was the most painful for Lorde: the emotional pain of Gennie’s suicide or the physical pain of her abortion? Which one provided the most growth for her?
Lorde, Audre. Zami: A New Spelling of My Name. New York, Crossing Press, 1982.
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Hello Megan,
I really liked your post! In response to your second question, I think each pain is a totally different experience that has different effects. With Gennie’s suicide, there is a mental struggle that needs to come to terms and with her abortion, there is the physical pain but also mental because you are essentially losing something that was a part of you. I think that both pains aren’t greater than the other but give different kinds of growth that are equally valuable.
Hey Megan,
I love your blog post and I love how you wrote about the pain that Lorde felt in this passage. The pain was needed in this period in Lorde’s life, it allowed her to reflect on her life that she has and also begin to path the way for the life that she wanted. The pain she experienced because of Gennie’s death was the most hurtful because that pain wasn’t physical but emotional (those pain hurt the most). Gennie was Lorde’s first true friend and they loved each other (I think both friendship wise and romantic wise), so to lose someone who for the first time in her life she could relate to must’ve been devasting. Emotional pain relies on memories and Lorde had a lot of memories of her and Gennie. Emotional pain lasts longer than physical pain sometimes unconsciously but I think pain is needed in order to help us recognize pleasure/happiness and also to help us recognize the areas where we can grow
Hi Megan! I was really interested in your blog post and how Lorde didn’t show her sorrows, she kept trying to push forward every day. I was also interested in your second discussion question. I believe the death of Gennie and her abortion both bring her emotional pain and affect her in different ways. As for the emotional pain felt through Gennie’s actions, Lorde in some way didn’t want to believe it because of how much she meant to her. She says, “I both did and didn’t believe her” (91). Although she once thought it wouldn’t be possible, she had to accept her actions. The death of Gennie could’ve been more painful for the reason that she spent all this loving and adventurous time with her best friend, and now she chose death to be loved by Lorde and her family. For her abortion, this brings physcial pain yes, but also emotional. When Lorde woke up after dreaming of having a baby girl, it states she “cried and cried and cried from disappointment” (111). Although she never had or knew her child, the pain of what could’ve been is still present and this pain similar to Gennie and what they hadn’t yet experienced together. This may have hurt and affected Lorde, but helped her learn and become her true self.
Hey Megan! I really like how you believe that pain is a necessary experience. Personally I am a bit conflicted on this, simply because although Gennies death clearly impacted Lorde in both positive and negative ways, I know how death can be primarily negative (from personal experience). Though the reason I’m so conflicted is because the pain truly is uncomfortable at first, though it can eventually lead to positive happenings and even be a source for motivation and inspiration. For Lorde it was moving out of her parents home, for me it was doing well in school. So I would say the initial pain is unnecessary simply because of how truly painful it is to experience such hardship, but after we can gain a sense of gratitude for our time and be able to move forward and build from the experiences that hurt us.
Hey Megan! I also agree that pain is a necessary experience in order to grow and mature into the person you are meant to be. With that being said, no one wants to go through the pain that Lorde has endured but I do believe it made Lorde a stronger person. Looking at question two, I believe Genie’s suicide provided more growth for her. But, I believe the sexual abuse that took place that caused Lorde to have the abortion is equally as traumatic. These are both things Lorde had to come to peace with in order to grow and move onto a new chapter in her life. Genie however had a special place in Lorde’s heart. She was in love with Genie in a friendship and relationship way. Lorde lost her best friend and a potential lover. She says, ““Things I never did with Genevieve: Let our bodies touch and tell the passions that we felt. Go to a Village gay bar, or any bar anywhere…Write THE BOOK. Make Love”(97). It is heart breaking for Lorde that she has lost someone she loves so much, but I believe this pain made her into the person she is today. Lorde has endured more trauma than most people experience in one life time, and I believe all of her trauma bettered her as a person instead of letting it turn her into a cold and mean person.