In the book, chapter 12, a subject is brought up by Lorde that (I feel) hasn’t truly been delved into by Lorde until now. The question of, what is my identity? Within the small chapter a lot of anger, tension and angst are packed in. Lorde is trying to within her means find out who she is, what makes her Audre. As already seen in the book Lorde feels isolated and outsider in her own family. She has no one age-wise that she is close to and her mom places her very strict West Indian expectations of who she should be on her shoulders. Yet, Lorde finds that high school seems to be the place where all of this can fall away. “For four years, Hunter High School was a lifeline. No matter what it was in reality, I got something there I needed.” (82) High school was where her ideas were met with understanding and interest, not scorn. Where she could converse with women her own age and bounce ideas off of them. She was able to be a young woman and express herself in ways that she hadn’t been able to before. This is where her creativity in poetry really bloomed, where it was accepted and encouraged and “not a secret and rebellious vice.” (82)
What truly was key about this chapter was Lorde’s view on her home life. She claims that by her sophomore year “I was in open battle on every other front in my life, except school.”(82) She was waging war against expectation and her true wants. She likens the battle as a “West Indian version of the Second World War”(82) This really speaks to how it really felt to be so against familial values and expectations in a country that promoted opportunity and progress. It was a war of hereditary culture versus modernity/progress. I pose it like this because Lorde towards the end of the chapter confides that she wants to see the world and go to college but her mom wants her to stay. The college would be a modern concept to a woman that so stridently tries to keep her family in the ways of Grenada. Linda never makes it past the seventh grade in her education and so college is something she deems as not worthwhile for her children. She wants her kids to be like her a good West Indian wife. Lorde can see that she herself will never make herself a good West Indian woman or wife in her mother’s eyes. She is deemed “fat” and “not well-behaved” (84). She was the antithesis of what her mother wants her to be .
Within this turmoil, Lorde makes a mistake or transgression. She confides to her guidance counselor her trouble at home and she wants. This, in turn, is told to her mother which makes Linda cry for the third time. Remember that Lorde sees her mom as powerful except when she cries. She has now made her move against this woman. Lorde never means to hurt Linda’s feelings or make her feel worthless in the eyes of a white woman. She just sees what her family is failing to see. The opportunities and adventures that the United States holds in store for anyone wishing to find them. Lorde sees that her family is trying to cling to the ideals and ways of Grenada all because her mother can’t let go and accept that this is now home and learn to embrace it. Lorde “ached for something I could not name.” (85).
- How do you as reader’s see this chapter as a description of Lorde trying to find her self?
- What do you think Lorde is aching for or seeking within this chapter?
Lorde, Audre. Zami: A New Spelling of My Name. New York, Crossing Press, 1982.
Skip to content
Hi Gabriele, I really enjoyed your opinions on this portion of the book! I’d first like to say I think it’s remarkable how much Lorde enjoyed high school. Oftentimes, those who are ‘different’ or ‘outspoken’ hate high school because they are isolated or bullied. The fact that Lorde thought of high school as a “lifeline” shows how much she really valued her education. Lorde faced much difficulty in her home life at this age. Usually, parents want their kids to attend college and explore their options, but for Lorde, this was not the case. Lorde was really encouraged to stay home because “Linda never makes it past the seventh grade in her education and so college is something she deems as not worthwhile for her children” (84). Her mother didn’t think Lorde needed college because she wanted her to be a good mother. However, as we’ve come to know, Lorde doesn’t seem like the typical housewife type. Lorde never meant to offend her mother by not wanting to be a housewife, she just has a broader idea of what the world can offer. I think this chapter shows the start of Lorde really finding her inner self. She stands for what she believes in and what she wants out of the world.
Hey Gabby, I agree with your blog topic and how it seems that only beginning in chapter 12 does Lorde try to decipher what her identity consists of. The confusion and anger she talks about center around her family life, specifically her mother. Lorde claims “Sometimes when my mother was not screaming at me, I caught her observing me with frightened and painful eyes. But my heart ached and ached for something I could not name ” (85). Feeling stifled by her mother and her lack of privacy is what I believe first began to strain Lorde’s relationship with her mother. As Keira pointed out, her mother doesn’t seem to have a strong emphasis on education which definitely bothered Lorde who was always curious and eager to learn. Personally, it seemed to me that Lorde and her mother had different “wants” for their life- her mother centered her life on her husband and children whilst Lorde centers her life on experiences, connection, curiosity, and knowledge.
Hey Gabby,
I am so glad that you chose this topic and I agree on the fact that we need to touch on it more. Lorde’s addressing of the existential question, “who am I?”, makes me think back to the uses of the erotic. Lorde states that it is through the erotic in which we realize our full capacity of pleasure, and therefore, shapes who we become. I believe Lorde saw high-school as a chance for social exploration and it was through this experience in which she first became acquainted with her erotic desire. In the interview with Adrienne Rich, Lorde claims that she thought differently from people in high-school and the only way she would pass classes would be in connecting to teachers on a personal level. Her thoughts were formed of emotion as opposed to rationale due to the way her mother brought her up. After reading Zami, I believe that prior to high-school Lorde craved social experiences with her peers since she had only been exposed to older women.
Hi Gabby, I really liked your blog post and how you focused on this chapter where Lorde finds herself. I think the idea of being different is one that many people can relate to especially in the age of high school because that’s when a lot of people try the explore, and find their true selves. Lorde states “It was high school that I came to believe that I was different from my white classmates, not because I was black, but because I was me”(82). I really like what Lorde says here because I think it doesn’t matter if someone is going through this same exact experience as Lorde, I feel in like in a way we all can relate to this. Personally I relate to this because growing up I had a learning difficulties. A lot of my friends were in advanced classes and I was struggling to even survive just the basic classes. In my experience, it was hard to fit in or find where I belong. I also felt like my struggles were something that was this big secret. It wasn’t until high school when I decided to just be myself and not hide who I was completely. Lorde and I are talking about two entirely different things, but in a way, they are similar because it all has to do with finding our identities.
Hey Gabby! I really liked how you chose to describe Lorde’s emotions on her experience of growing up in a world of being misunderstood and entering another that had opened up opportunities of introducing positive changes to her life. Lorde describes how her family dynamic is not fit for her evolving lifestyle, as she expresses emotions of frustration due to feeling left out and disconnected to them all throughout her younger years. In the first chapter, Lorde had expressed how she admired her mother’s powerful cultural connection with her background growing up in Grenada, but this chapter reveals that there were actually many miscommunications/conflicts that have occurred between her and her mother. Throughout Lord’s teenage years, she shows how her and her mother would clash due to their drastically different cultural experiences of growing up in two countries. She felt misunderstood within the setting of her home, so Lorde turns toward her only escape from the strict rules her mother had put on her, which was school. She then goes on to express she “got something there [she] needed” because she “was in open battle on every front in [her] life, except school.” This actually made me sit and think about how so many teenagers have felt this ways at one point of their life. Many students use school as an escape if they are unhappy about their home life, even if it’s a minor or a major conflict they are battling.
A school setting can offer an individual the opportunity to explore life through new interactions, building friendships, as well as learning through a different lens. For Lorde, she eventually discovered that she gained a better relationship with the school setting, rather than her own home setting, stating:
“…I met young women my own age, Black and white, who spoke a language I could usually understand and reply within. I met girls with whom I could share feelings and dreams and ideas without fear. I found adults who tolerated my feelings and ideas without punishment for insolence, and even a few who respected and admired them” (82).
This shows the huge difference of how she feels in these two very important settings in her life, but the moment Lorde allows herself to speak up to the guidance counselor about what she wants in her home life, this backfires on her relationship with her mother. This causes Lorde to release emotions of anger and frustration about how the situation was handled and how her mother was failing to see what Lorde also needed within her home life that she had received while in school. Lorde also needed to find a healthy balance of acceptance and unity within her home life in order to better her life and help her onto the right path to find herself and transform into the woman she wants to be without the cultural boundaries from her mother’s strict values.
Hi Gabby! I loved your blog post! I agree that until know we haven’t really gotten to know what Lorde’s identity is, she has always just said she is a black, lesbian author. However, in chapter 12 the reader gets to see how she became this women who identifies as those things. On quote that stood out to me was when Lorde wrote, “By my sophomore year in high school, I was in open battle on every other front in my life except school” (82). I think this is true for many people. Personally, if I am having a bad day, school completely takes my mind off of those things. It allows me to focus my energy on something other than those thoughts in my head. I think this could be one way that Lorde found her passion for writting, by focusing her energy into something that makes her feel empowered.
Hey Gabby, I really enjoyed your blog post and especially your focus on Lorde’s identity during her coming of age. Lorde especially later in life becomes very emphatic of her identities and it’s really interesting to see how this identity of a complex individual forms. She has to break away from the traditional roles that her mother sets as ideal for her daughter. After her decision to go to school, Lorde writes, “my mother responded to these changes in me as if I were a foreign hostile” (84). Her mother’s response to her independent decisions indicates that Lorde’s breaking away from her mother’s influence is taken personally. This further supports why Lorde needs to gain agency from her family and become an individual. Lorde’s quest for further knowledge of the world results in the finding of herself. This journey is one that Linda cannot see or understand and thus rejects.
Hi Gabby! I really enjoyed your blog post and really liked your emphasis on the journey she had with coming to terms with her identity. I feel as though Lorde came to view herself as unique and different from her classmates because she realized what kind of person she was through her interactions with her peers that surrounded her. One important quote that I think speaks to this is when Lorde says “It was in high school that I came to believe that I was different from my white classmates, not because I was Black, but because I was me” (84). This quote is important because she emphasizes that it was not her race that made her different but it was her identity and personality that made her different from everyone else. High school was a place for her to embrace who she was through intellect and relationships with people her age rather than at home with her family where she felt alone.
Hi there Gabriele! The fact that you chose to focus on anger and identity was really pivotal for me because as I read through this chapter I evidently found myself focusing on the exact same aspects. To continue on this, however, I also found isolation to be a key component in Lorde’s life and identity. This can be seen through the quote, “But in high school, my real sisters were strangers; my teachers were racists; and my friends were that color I was never supposed to trust” (143). This continues with the theme and vision of Lorde as an “outsider” and how she identifies with the minorities of society. Her identification as a black, lesbian, mother, patient, etc. constantly reminds her of her outsider status and that she cannot relate to various members of society. However, she utilizes this identity to truly propel her writing forward and give us access to material, such as The Cancer Journals, that normally would not be available in society. Evidently, Lorde’s identification as an outsider and her isolation among society has perhaps propelled her writing forward, and given the world an insight to so many other identities that are not prevalent in society.
Hey, Gabby! I really enjoyed your blog post and how you analyzed and discussed Lorde addressing her journey to coming to terms with her identity. As I was reading this chapter, I found it interesting how she considered her high school to be her lifeline, as she wrote “for four years, Hunter High School was a lifeline. No matter what it was in reality, I got something there I needed.” (82) To many, high school is a place where they are not accepted, feel like an outcast, and cannot find their place, while their home was their safe space. Lorde’s story is the opposite of that. I think that when she continues to identify herself as black, lesbian, woman, etc., she is addressing the minorities that make her an outcast, and it was really touching to read about how she was able to make connections through high school that made her feel more like she belonged.
Hey Gabby,
Great job on your blog post! I really enjoyed how you discussed her self discoveries within this section. To answer your first question, I feel Lorde has longed for a sense of belonging since as far back as she can remember. The group of classmates where she shares her work and has mature conversations with was the beginning of what led her to the feeling liberated. She writes, “It was in high school that I came to believe that I was different from my white classmates, not because I was Black, but because I was me”(82). This sense of understanding that she was herself and that inspired her to be who she truly was can be honored from her times in high school. Stereotypically, high school is never a fun place of freedom for students, yet Lorde found this to be an escape into her poetry and literature where she could not feel that free at home.
Hey Gabriele,
I really appreciated your outlook on this section of the text, and your writing definitely mirrored your ideas well. In the chapters read for today’s class, the development of identity as an adolescent was highlighted by Lorde for multiple purposes. First of all, it is nice to know, growing up in Queens gave me some type of visual advantage when reading the text and envisioning the stetting that Lorde was in- such as Hunter High School. Lorde’s childhood of mystery and curiosity really helped her become developed as an outspoken woman, deciding to label herself as a “black, feminist, warrior, lesbian, and mother.” Lorde growing on her own time and experiences after being sheltered for so long by her mother, allowed her to express herself and explore reality through her own lens. Lorde changes her outlook on her mother, peers, racism, gender, and much more when her environment becomes less filtered as Lorde ages. Lovely job at touching many aspects of this theme in the text.
Hi Gabriele,
Great blog post and you’re absolutely right, “the question of, what is my identity?” has not been pondered deeply until now. Audre Lorde is a first-generation West Indies American Black woman living in NYC. Personally, being raised by parents from a different country with different norms and traditions can be clashing with perspectives because of the difference in ideals (American mentality vs. the Motherland mentality). Audre Lorde could be categorized as the “black sheep” of the family because she did not abide by the rules and would usually get into trouble, unlike her older sisters. If anything, Lorde saw and took a unique approach to situations that came before her. Lorde felt like she had no one in her family she could confide in and she felt they would not understand her. Upon going to highschool she found her group of friends she could trust and grow into the strong, independent woman she is now, “I began to seek some more faithful return than simple bitterness from this place of my mother’s exile, whose street I’ve came to learn better than I could have imagined (104).” Lorde flourishes through maturity after having to become independent from her family and leaving home by the age of 17. She had to make difficult decisions to overcome the conformity she was raised in to evolve into the woman she wanted to be.
Heyyy Gabi! Reading your blog post was very intriguing. As a second-generation immigrant, I could certainly relate to Audre Lorde in this chapter of her bio-mythology, “Zami: A New Spelling of My Name”. Navigating cultural identity as a second-generation immigrant is profusely burdensome. We are raised with one culture at home and then taught another one as soon as we exit our front door. This can be very conflicting especially for a young Lorde as she was trying to find her identity. As you stated in your blog post, Lorde felt ostracized by her family because she didn’t adhere to their expectations. Like many parents of second-generation children, Lorde’s mother came to America to make sure that her children would have better opportunities than she did growing up. But Lorde instead of becoming the perfect West Indian housewife, she wanted to become an world-renowned poet. Lorde’s evocative description of this internal battle as a “West Indian version of the Second World War” really gave weight to how I’ve felt my entire childhood. It just so happens that my version was the Liberian Second World War.